Why is it so hard?

Why is it so easy for me to make the decision to jump out of a moving airplane at 9000 feet or share the darkest parts of my life in front of a thousand people than it is to talk to one person about God! Isn't that crazy? I have a bucket list the size of Sandra's nice list. Yet never in the top ten or even on the bucket-list period has there ever been a goal called "getting closer to God". For me that is always on the to do list not the bucket list. One of those things you get back to eventually, not knowing if or when eventually will ever come. 

I made a decision a few weeks ago that I wanted to get more involved with students my age in the church somehow. These past six months, and more so in the last three months, I have been practically sprinting in the opposite direction of God. I have been pushing away from the church and second guessing whether God is really in my life or exists period. 

I got into a good conversation with a close friend of mine the other day about God, knowing he would be able to answer some of the questions I had about God, The same questions I was asked by an atheist but I didn't know the answer to. For me, Proclaiming that I am a Christian yet not knowing the Answers to basic questions about my faith makes me really wonder whether I am a Christian or not. It makes me wonder am I qualified to have that title. 

Knowing i needed answers, I started investigating what groups were available on campus at OSU. I remember my sister telling me a few years ago that Ohio State had a huge campus Crusade program so I decided to look into it. During summer I kept coming up with excuses for reason why I couldn't make it. The Grinch says it perfectly "Even if I wanted to go, my schedule wouldn't allow it! (flips his datebook open) 4:00: Wallow in self-pity. 4:30: Stare into the abyss. 5:00: Solve world hunger; tell no one! 5:30: Jazzercise. 6:30: Dinner with me; I can't cancel that again! 7:00: wrestle with my self-loathing... I'm booked! Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9:00, I'll probably still have time to lie in my bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear?!" I was always able to come up with that one excuse that prevented me from going. Normally when I do things it's nice to have a wing man so I'm not going in alone. That's another one of the excuses I use. Since no one else wants to go I guess it's not that important.

Buuuuuuuuut I took a big leap of faith tonight, I went to my first Campus Crusade meeting at Ohio State.... Aline. minus looking for a parking spot for 45 minutes It was so awesome. I wish I had taken pictures but I was to engulfed in The moment. 

I realized sitting amongst 700 fellow students that maybe we aren't meant to have all the answers. Even if God tried to explain it all to us it would be like trying to explaining advanced calculus to a snail. Ain't happenin. I came home from our meeting tonight and decided to make a few minor adjustments to that bucket list of mine. My bucket list now only reads:

1)    Pursue God 

because once i purse him, everything else (dreams included) will fall into place.